1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
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A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.
According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.
Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?
According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys.
80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.
Statisticians must stay away from children’s toys because they regress so easily.
Old statisticians never die, they just undergo a transformation.
The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation.
Some statisticians don’t drink because they are t-test totalers. Others drink the hard stuff as evidenced by the proliferation of box-and-whiskey plots.
A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn’t feel like it.
Copying an idea from an author is plagiarism. Copying many ideas from many authors is research.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit.
The mark of a true professional is giving more than you get.