“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

(more…)

When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.”

The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had the fantasy of having a nun give me a blow job.”

(more…)

The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

“What’s the matter hun?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, I have fooled around with other women a lot. Jeff is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.” Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.

(more…)

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate.”

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home ..

(more…)

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.

The chief then said “All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”

(more…)

The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, saying this time: “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you.”

(more…)

“I think accountants are the easiest to operate on,” said the first one. “You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

“I think librarians are the easiest to operate on,” said the second. “You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

“I like to operate on electricians,” said the third surgeon. “You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

“I like to operate on lawyers,” said the fourth. “They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.”

“I like engineers,” said the fifth. “They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

She calls on one little boy.

He stands up and replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then the boy says, “I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which little boy replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.”

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

(more…)

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

He replies, “Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would.”

She says, “If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?”

He replies, “We’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would.”

So she asks, “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?”

And he says, “That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it’s going to last a long time, I guess she would.”

So she asks, “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”

And he says, “Oh no, she’s left handed.”

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring, “he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

(more…)

One of the other men in the bar asked him what Happened.

“I did a terrible thing ,” sniffed the drunk, “Just a few hours ago I sold my Wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.”

“That is awful,” said the other guy, “And now that she is gone you want her back Right?”

“Right!” said the drunk, still crying.

“You’re sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved Her?”

“Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her,” said the drunk. “I want her back Because I’m thirsty again!”